RIM appoints new CEO

Both of RIM’s CEOs have resigned, according to a tweet from the [ed. – RIM still exists?! Find out what they make and put it here] manufacturer. Both CEOs received praise for the way they ran the company, and especially for their excellent job at losing $1.7 million worth of insured merchandise that otherwise would have been a complete and total loss if it had reached store shelves. The incident resulted in RIM’s largest (and only) profit in the past five years.

Despite having used the tried-and-true dual-CEO arrangement, RIM has decided to experiment with a new type of leadership model by appointing only one replacement CEO. However, some insiders say that RIM’s board of directors originally wanted to appoint two new CEOs, but couldn’t find anyone willing to take the second opening.

In an introductory video on YouTube, Thorsten Heins, RIM’s new head honcho, said that he felt that RIM had been one of the most innovative players in the phone industry last year, and that they were “probably done innovating for a few months.” He also added,

Innovation is wonderful. We think RIM has innovated a lot with our products this year, and we’re ready to take a break. At this time, we don’t have any plans to release anything really innovative. That will all change, of course, when we reveal our killer new product in the second quarter. It will have some amazing brand-new features, such as a physical keyboard, beautiful 2-inch screen, and the ability to read your email.

But we don’t just want to be great players at the phone game. We want to win the phone game. And in order to win, we need to innovate. We need to innovate to win. We need to “winnovate!”

As he spoke the last paragraph, the words “win” and “innovating” appeared on the screen and merged together to form “winnovating” with a Twitter “hashtag” symbol, a phrase that was also included in the company’s tweet which contained a link to the video.

Seven minutes later into the video, he further expanded on the phrase (this time without the use of helpful graphics), and stated once again that RIM needed to innovate to win, this time combining the words “RIM,” “win,” and “innovate,” and forming the word “Rinnovate.” “Now, the word ‘Rinnovate’ sounds a lot like ‘renovate,'” he said, looking slightly puzzled, as though he had no idea where he was about to take his next point. “So I guess what we need to do at RIM is renovate something.” he decided.

Hours after accepting the position, Heins tendered his resignation in the form a scathing letter to the board of directors. The most revealing paragraph of the letter criticized the selection process that the board used to determine the next CEO:

You idiots actually chose who would run this company based on how many M&Ms we could fit into our mouth at once. I cannot believe I actually work for a company that chooses their chief executive officer based on who can fit the fewest candy-coated chocolate pieces into their mouth. It is not my fault the other candidates had bigger mouths than me. Having a small mouth in no way qualifies me to run this company. Honestly, I think sometimes you people make this crap up as you go along. How is RIM even still alive? How are you people still in charge? Screw this, I quit.

RIM’s board immediately announced that they had already found a replacement CEO, although he was unavailable for comment. This is likely due to the fact that he is a chimpanzee.

Mark Gurman tried to contribute to this report but was not allowed to because I am better than him at writing satire and I didn’t like his ideas as much as my own.