Why Apple products should be immediately banned nationwide

Mike Bloomberg says increased crime in New York is due to increased sales of iPhones and iPads. If that’s the case it seems like a simple problem to fix. All he has to do is ban iPhone and iPad sales and there won’t be a crime issue in New York City anymore!

Of course, as you may already know, Apple’s flagship store—essentially the Mecca of Apple retail—is located on Fifth Avenue in New York City, so I’m not so sure Apple would appreciate that move. Actually, I’m fairly certain no one in New York would appreciate it.

But of course, we all know that the only way to stop crime is to ban things. Banning handguns successfully made New York the city with the lowest gun violence rate in the country (note: this is entirely untrue; New York City has a high rate of gun crime), and banning large sodas has completely wiped out obesity in New York City (note: this is also untrue; New Yorkers are just as fat as they’ve always been). Therefore, we can easily conclude that the only solution to this crime problem is to eliminate Apple products.

Perhaps the government can buy back people’s existing Apple products (at a reduced rate, obviously; can’t give people too much money for this contraband). Government agents could then destroy these crime-inducing devices to ensure public safety.

Thankfully, government regulation has solved every problem known to mankind thus far. By ordering us to give money to the government to be redistributed to the poor through welfare and other entitlement programs, we have effectively eliminated poverty in the United States (note: this is untrue; people are still poor). By banning firearms in cities like New York and Chicago, we have eliminated gun violence in those areas (note: this is untrue; today it was announced that Chicago has had 500 homicides this year, 87% of which involved an illegal gun). Finally, by blocking the sale of large soft drinks in New York City, we have wiped out all traces of obesity (note: as previously mentioned, this is untrue).

Please join me in asking Mike Bloomberg—and politicians around the country—to ban the sales of Apple products in this country in order to eliminate crime. Given our track record of banning the things that we blame for our troubles, I feel that this course of action is absolutely necessary to ensure the safety of the American people.

Update: I have just learned that @ReagentX took parts of this blog post and used them to create a petition on the White House website asking for all Apple products to be banned. I find this hilarious.