Apple announces nothing

we have nothing

Apple CEO Tim Cook excitedly took the stage today during a special media event to announce that the Cupertino-based tech giant has nothing left to announce.

“We are completely out of ideas,” the executive told the gathered crowd of developers and press, before launching into a breakdown of the company’s year so far. Here are Apple’s 2014 stats according to Cook:

  • ZERO – The number of new products released to the public so far this year
  • ZERO – The number of new product categories Apple has entered so far this year

Cook then turned over the stage to SVP of Software Engineering Craig Federighi, who detailed the company’s latest public software releases. “We haven’t actually released any new software this year,” Federighi noted. “And now,” he added, “I’d like to take a few minutes to talk to you about hair care products.”

Federighi was careful to point out that hair care products are just one of his many passions and that Apple was in no way planning on making the jump to that “new product category.”

After Federighi gave the crowd a look at his top 10 styling tips, Cook once again came on stage to introduce Phil Schiller, Apple’s marketing chief.

“I want to start today by going back to something I said last year. It turns we actually can’t innovate anymore.” Schiller then showed off Apple’s newest iPhone ad, which explains all of the ways Ludwing van Beethoven could have used an iPhone 5s if the device had existed in his lifetime.

Following the video, Schiller explained the reasoning behind it: “Here at Apple, we believe that our products are truly life-changing. We want everyone to know how minimally-relevant people can use iPhone to accomplish things that most smartphone customers would never have a need for. And this ad continues that theme by demonstrating the powerful ways an 18th-century composer could have used iPhone.”

Finally, Cook came back on stage to close out the event. “We at Apple are so excited to be introducing nothing to you today. Our employees have put so much work into nothing for the past six months, and we can’t wait for you to try it out.”

The CEO then announced that nothing would be available on July 28th for only $899.

Philip Baxter, a college student who was the first one in line for the iPhone 5s launch at his local Apple Store, said of the event, “That was really a game-changing announcement. I can’t wait for the launch next month. I’m already making plans to camp out at the Apple Store for nothing.”