Category Archives: Satire

Sometimes I just write funny stuff. This is that stuff.

T-Mobile to merge with MetroPCS, but not really

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T-Mobile CEO John Legere, portrayed by a Steve Buscemi impersonator, is “psyched” about the merger

T-Mobile USA announced a daring new plan to merge with MetroPCS in order to further advance their network infrastructure. “We believe that by merging with the 72nd largest wireless carrier in the US, we can create a network which rivals that of Alltel Wireless,” T-Mobile CEO John Legere said in a YouTube video posted just after the announcement.

Legere praised MetroPCS’ refusal to just “roll over and die already,” noting that “even though most people thought they did that years ago, they actually have a broad customer base of nearly ten subscribers.” Citing the fact that Sprint’s 3G network is the slowest in the country, Legere joked that “it shouldn’t be too hard to catch up to them,” but then grimaced, as if he suddenly realized that the nation’s slowest 3G network is still more popular than his company’s “4G” HSPA+ network.

Many speculate that MetroPCS was actually T-Mobile’s second choice following T-Mobile’s failed AT&T merger. Legere refuted such claims, saying that MetroPCS was “definitely not a second option,” and that it was in fact “our fourth or fifth option after a bunch of other networks shot us down.”

Legere said that he is “psyched” for the merger and can’t wait for the day when T-Mobile “curb-stomps those punks at AT&T and Verizon.” Legere then took a moment to discuss the difference between T-Mobile’s new combined network and those of the company’s competitors using a series of buzzwords so lengthy and meaningless that we will not bother to write it in this post.

Addressing concerns that no one will actually care about this merger, Legere said, “Wait until those losers at Alltel get a load of this. They won’t know what hit them. And we’re just going to climb the ladder from there. We’re going to hit everyone starting with those chumps at Sprint. Screw those guys.”

A bit later in the video, Legere assured viewers that because MetroPCS and T-Mobile use different network technologies, they will remain separate companies with separate leadership, and only merge in the sense that nothing will actually be merged except their name. “Basically we’re going to have the same name, but our network, while huge, won’t work on all of our phones. In fact, for the most part, our customers can rest assured that nothing is actually going to change,” he stated.

Regarding the actual phone hardware that would run on the network, Legere said, “What is an iPhone? We don’t want that phone. It sucks. It is the worst phone ever. Although if Apple would just take a look at our new network once the merger is complete and think about maybe giving us the iPhone, we would be extremely grateful. That’s not the only reason we’re retooling our entire network, but it actually definitely might be. But yeah, the iPhone sucks.”

Legere finished his video by saying that “this isn’t a move to survive. It’s a move to thrive. We are merging with one of the smallest, least-known networks in the country, not because we are desperately trying to keep our heads above water, but because we really need their incredibly depressing infrastructure to make our network the best ever.”

We tried to reach MetroPCS for comment, but unfortunately their representative couldn’t get a signal anywhere due to shoddy network coverage.

EXCLUSIVE: Apple postpones iPhone event

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In an unprecedented move, Apple announced today that the highly-anticipated event on September 12—believed to be the unveiling of the company’s next-generation smartphone—had been put on hold for nearly a month.

The Cupertino-based tech giant sent out emails to members of the press earlier today informing them that the event had been moved to Tuesday, October 9th. The email, in classic Apple form, hints once again at the introduction of a “longer” version of the iPhone, and sets the new date for the event.

We reached out to Apple for comment, but received no reply. Luckily, a source inside Apple has forwarded us a copy of a memo sent to all corporate employees by Tim Cook regarding the changes.

Click here to read Tim Cook’s message to employees

New York Times: Twitter preparing massive overhaul of Mac app

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The New York Times reports that Twitter is preparing a “massive overhaul” of their first-party application for Mac computers. This leads many to believe that someone at Twitter opened their computer and remembered the client actually does exist and should probably be updated to include features that every other Twitter client, including the actual website, have had for pretty much ever. Sources inside Twitter also say that “it will probably have some bug fixes or whatever, and we might just redo the whole thing since the current one is kinda stupid,” according to the report.

In recent months, Twitter has been highly criticized for neglecting its Mac application to the point that it doesn’t even use Twitter’s own photo sharing service, which has been in other mainstream software for over a year. An overhaul is just what Twitter needs to remind people why they switched to other clients to begin with.

“By bringing users’ attention back to the official client, we can remind them of all of the terrible user experience problems they are missing out on by switching away from Twitter for Mac,” said Ben Sandofsky, the man in charge of making sure Twitter for Mac is just crappy enough to ruin the entire app while having enough cool animations to keep most people happy.

According to the New York Times, Twitter for Mac version 2.0 will launch alongside the Mac App Store, which will come to Macs running OS X 10.6.7 later this year.

Update: Sorry guys, the New York Times was off by over a year with their reporting once again. Apparently this stuff already happened and isn’t really relevant anymore. Don’t get excited.

Man sues United States government over fireworks accident

Twenty-five year old Bruce Thomas, of Houston, Texas, filed a lawsuit against the federal government after an accident involving his Independence Day celebrations, according to documents filed late Wednesday. Thomas claims that the U.S. government is to blame for the accident, in which he lost three fingers when a firecracker went off in his left hand. The lawsuit claims that if the federal government had simply not existed, Independence Day would not exist, Thomas would not have been celebrating, and the accident would not have occurred.

Federal attorneys could not be reached for comment, but Thomas’ legal representation presents a strong case in his favor.

“This tragedy could have easily been avoided centuries ago,” Thomas’ lawyer said in a statement Wednesday evening. “If the Founding Fathers had simply taken some time to consider all of the possible outcomes of their uprising, they would have easily been able to prevent my client from losing three fingers. Sadly, the Founding Fathers did not have the necessary foresight to predict such an event. The federal government must be held accountable for their actions which led to Mr. Thomas sustaining severe injuries.”

Thomas is suing the government for $1 billion, plus coverage for his medical bills. Several members of Congress have denounced the lawsuit as “ludicrous”. One lawmaker went so far as to proclaim that Thomas was responsible for his own injuries, an idea Thomas’ lawyer says is “complete madness”.

The case is expected to go before a judge, who will almost certainly rule in Thomas’ favor given the reasonable nature of his claim, on Friday, July 13. Several legal experts have also concluded that scheduling the hearing for Friday the Thirteenth may work even more in Thomas’ favor, as he will likely be involved in another accident that day due to bad luck. A second accident, especially one in a courtroom, can be used as additional evidence that “the government is totally out to get me, man,” according to a post on Thomas’ Twitter account Wednesday evening.

CNBC figured out the iPad event details [Updated]

CNBC reports that they have figured out the iPad event date and that the next iPad will be quad-core and feature a Retina display and LTE connectivity .

Update 12:11pm – CNBC has also learned that the event will be in New York

Update 12:11:03pm – CNBC has updated their story to say it might not be in New York

Update 12:12pm – CNBC has updated their story to say the iPad might not be the focus of the event

Update 12:12:34pm – CNBC has updated their story to say they were just kidding about the updates and that the event will be in New York after all

Update 12:12:35pm – CNBC has updated their story to say that Steve Jobs will be present at the event

Update 12:14pm – CNBC has updated their story to say they misunderstood someone in the newsroom saying that Jobs would “be there in spirit.” Jobs will not be present at the event.

Update 12:15pm – CNBC has updated their story to say they were probably wrong about the event location and it might be anywhere

Update 12:15:24pm – CNBC has updated their story to say that it definitely will be in New York and they are pretty sure that’s right, or at least like 75% sure

Update 12:16pm – CNBC has updated their story to confirm that they probably know what they’re talking about and ask readers to bear with them as they attempt to sort out the details

Update 12:18pm – CNBC has updated their story saying they were previously incorrect and that Steve Jobs could be present at the event, citing a “95% chance that this guy on Twitter is right.”

Update 12:19pm – CNBC has updated their story to correct a previous statement. “The guy on Twitter was kidding,” they say.

Update 12:20:43pm – CNBC has updated their story again to indicate that the event could be held in America, and that other locations were unlikely. Hard-hitting stuff, guys.

Update 12:20:44pm – CNBC has updated their post to note that their website was hacked and the previous update was not legitimate.

Update 12:23pm – CNBC has updated their article to announce that they have no new updates but will stay on top of the story.

Update 12:26pm CNBC has updated their story to say that they are done updating the story because they’re “like 75% sure, for real this time, you guys” that they finally have their information straight. The event will be in New York.

Update 12:32pm – Apparently while we were constantly refreshing the CNBC article for new updates, Apple went ahead and actually announced the event will be on March 7th and will be in San Francisco, not New York.

Update 12:34pm – Wow. CNBC is now reporting that the iPad 4 will be announced in Honolulu, HI next year in April. Yeah, we’re totally believing you guys. Totally.

Microsoft Office for iPad pricing scheme leaked

There’s a feud going on between The Daily and Microsoft right now. The Daily claims they’ve seen Office for iPad. Microsoft denies it exists. Today, a source inside Microsoft was able to confirm that the software is coming and give us the following pricing information.

The Office app cost $499.99 and will come with the Starter Edition of Office for iPad. In this edition, Word will not allow text formatting, Excel will limit you to 10×10 spreadsheets, and PowerPoint will only allow you to create a three-slide presentation. If you need more than that, you have a few options.

The Student Edition may be purchased via in-app purchase for an additional $199.99. It offers bold, underline and italics support in Word, an additional 5 cells in both directions in Excel, and an extra two slides per presentation in PowerPoint.

If that’s not enough for you, the Home Edition, available as a $299.99 in-app purchase regardless of which previous updates you’ve purchased, will allow you to apply paragraph formatting in Word, give you the ability to create functions in Excel, and let you export your PowerPoint presentations as lossy jpg images for emailing.

Still not enough? The Professional Edition will let you type multiple pages in Word (something no smaller edition will do), give you a whopping 20×20 cells in Excel, and allow you to play your PowerPoint presentations on the device. The Professional Edition will be $699.99 regardless of previous updates.

If you’re really not happy with that, you may want to try the $899.99 Premiere Edition, which will let you type up to ten pages in Word, unlock a 30×30 Excel sheet, and allow you to add images to your PowerPoint presentations.

Still not happy? The $999.99 Platinum Edition upgrade will unlock unlimited pages in Word, unlimited Excel sheets, and full presentation capabilities.

The final version, the Platinum Deluxe Edition, will allow you to email files to other devices, send them to your computer via iTunes, or upload them to Office365. This update will cost you $1,299.99.

AirPrint support and iCloud syncing will not be available in Office for iPad at launch, and our source confirms there are no plans to add them.

Apple shocks everyone again, unveils OS 10.9 “Mountain Lion S”

Today, Apple unveiled an even newer version of their operating system than the one they announced only days ago. The newest version, dubbed “Mountain Lion S,” features marginal performance improvements and enhanced support for certain hardware accessories that don’t currently exist.

Apple’s OS X team is facing legal troubles however, as the iOS team has filed a lawsuit over several patents violated by OS X’s previous, still-unreleased version, Mountain Lion. The patents in question include those covering Notification Center, Reminders, and other features taken from iOS 5. The iOS team isn’t the only group with a claim against the OS X team, though.

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Bungie announces new Halo sequel

Bungie announced the newest entry into their popular Halo franchise today through a blog post on their website. The sixth game in the series will have a deep new storyline that goes places no Halo game has gone yet. We’ve got the full press release embedded below. We’re pretty excited about this one.

BUNGIE ANNOUNCES HALO 3: ODST SEQUEL

Bungie, the game studio that created the wildly-popular Halo series, is proud to announce the latest addition to the franchise: Halo 3: PTSD.

Halo 3: PTSD will continue the story of Halo 3: ODST, putting the players right on the front lines of deep emotional warfare. Experience all of the action as the Orbital Drop Shock Troopers take on their toughest enemies of all time: their feelings.

Battle fierce new enemies, like the awe-inspiring Panic Attack, or the raging Emotional Outburst. Utilize the latest weapons in the fight against Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, including the all-new Medication. Meet new allies along the way, such as Dr. Strausbaum, a kind psychiatrist who will stop at nothing to ensure the normalcy of day-to-day life is once again within the heroes’ grasp. Use the collaborative power of teamwork with up to sixteen friends in a no-holds-barred, anything-goes multiplayer Group Therapy Session. Traverse treacherous new terrain in eighteen new maps, ranging from the peaceful Quiet Room all the way to the embattled corners of your Subconscious Mind.

Game director Kevin Gainsburg said of Halo 3: PTSD, “This is the most amazing chapter in the story yet. We have really expanded on the characters so much that you almost feel like you’ve known them your entire life. And really, we all have. We’ve all got that one person in our life who flips over tables and builds a barricade as soon as they hear metal hit a concrete floor. This game will let us really delve into the lives of people suffering from this condition.”

The game is expected to go on sale in early 2013.

RIM appoints new CEO

Both of RIM’s CEOs have resigned, according to a tweet from the [ed. – RIM still exists?! Find out what they make and put it here] manufacturer. Both CEOs received praise for the way they ran the company, and especially for their excellent job at losing $1.7 million worth of insured merchandise that otherwise would have been a complete and total loss if it had reached store shelves. The incident resulted in RIM’s largest (and only) profit in the past five years.

Despite having used the tried-and-true dual-CEO arrangement, RIM has decided to experiment with a new type of leadership model by appointing only one replacement CEO. However, some insiders say that RIM’s board of directors originally wanted to appoint two new CEOs, but couldn’t find anyone willing to take the second opening.

In an introductory video on YouTube, Thorsten Heins, RIM’s new head honcho, said that he felt that RIM had been one of the most innovative players in the phone industry last year, and that they were “probably done innovating for a few months.” He also added,

Innovation is wonderful. We think RIM has innovated a lot with our products this year, and we’re ready to take a break. At this time, we don’t have any plans to release anything really innovative. That will all change, of course, when we reveal our killer new product in the second quarter. It will have some amazing brand-new features, such as a physical keyboard, beautiful 2-inch screen, and the ability to read your email.

But we don’t just want to be great players at the phone game. We want to win the phone game. And in order to win, we need to innovate. We need to innovate to win. We need to “winnovate!”

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Samsung introduces SMART Toast

Samsung unveiled the latest innovation in bread technology at CES today, revealing their plans to ship SMART Toast in Q2 of 2012. SMART Toast is a new generation of Android-powered dried bread capable of outputting full 1080p video via an HDMI connection and sporting a micro USB charging port and Bluetooth 4.0 for connecting various peripherals.

During the announcement, Samsung’s spokesman demonstrated a game of Angry Birds on the toast’s gorgeous 5.5″ qHD Super AMOLED multi-touch display, then played several video clips. SMART Toast will also feature a 24MP camera capable of shooting full 1080p video and a 12MP front-facing camera for video chats. The tasty gadget will sell for only $299.99 with a two-year contract and will be available on Verizon and AT&T at launch, with Sprint and T-Mobile still in negotiations for the device.

SMART Toast will run Android 2.3 (aka “Gingerbread,” ironically) and will never be updated to anything higher than that because Samsung, Google and the carriers couldn’t decide if they should take the time to put Samsung’s “unique” SMART Toast skin on it.

Samsung also detailed plans to ship SMART Toast II approximately two weeks after the initial launch of the first model. SMART Toast II will feature a faster quad-core processor in place of the original dual-core model, twice the RAM, and ship with Android 2.1 (yes, 2.1).